Becoming a Better Listener

Tips for Teachers and Mentors

The following ideas will prove beneficial in both in-school and out-of-school relationships:

• Genuinely interested: A successful listener is genuinely interested in what the other person has to say. If you don't have time at the moment, offer to talk with the individual later.
• Listen nonjudgmentally: In a counseling or mentoring role, listen nonjudgmentally, achieving what Carl Rogers termed "unconditional positive regard." By the time students or colleagues share a problem with you, they have probably received advice and lectures from others. They often just need someone who cares and will listen for a few minutes. Nothing nips trust like critical judgment and negative labeling. Beware of conveying disapproval through your intonation, leading questions, or nonverbal responses.
• Take time to listen compassionately: The next time you have a person sitting knee-to-knee in front of you with tears streaming down his or her cheek, resist the urge to give advice or sugar-coated reassurance. Just take time to listen compassionately. Follow the adage "Talk a little less; listen a little more."
• Silence: Become comfortable with silence in a helping relationship. Pauses can create valuable reflection time for the other person.
• Use a variety of listening skills: Paraphrasing is restating another's comment in your own words. Good clarifying questions, used sparingly, can be most helpful in encouraging others to examine the causes and possible solutions to their problems.
• Nonverbal messages: Be sure your nonverbal messages are congruent with your verbal ones. Unless cultural differences dictate otherwise, offer direct eye contact while the individual is talking. It helps establish trust and communicates interest. Leaning forward is also interpreted as an expression of concern and interest.
• Brief responses: Such as "Mm-hm" or "I see" or "Go on" are useful in communicating that you are still with the speaker. Occasional head nods also encourage the individual to continue.
• Rapport building: Invest in rapport building with your students and colleagues by listening to them when they don't have serious problems.
• Positive and negative feelings: Acknowledge and validate positive and negative feelings (e.g., "You're really excited about making the team" or "You must be very proud of your award").
• Study outstanding listeners: In your daily life and in the public media study outstanding listeners. Larry King and Barbara Walters are good models to observe. Note their nonverbal posture and the quality of their open-ended questions.
• Reflective listening: The technique of reflective listening is also valuable to employ with angry students or adults. You are not getting into the blame game. You are neither saying "You're wrong!" nor are you saying "I'm wrong." By listening to feelings (for example, "You're pretty upset with the way your child has been treated") you are simply communicating that you are listening to them at the deepest level. It is like verbal judo. Instead of meeting force with force, you are letting their anger dissipate into the wind. Once the angry person has vented his or her feelings and you refuse to get caught up in a shouting match, he or she will begin to calm down.
• "Have you tried…?: Avoid the "Have you tried…?" trap. Most people will respond with "I tried that" or "It won't work because..." They will wait for you to suggest one more solution so they can chop it down. It creates a no-win game.