Choosing How To "Be"

We make choices in our lives each time we decide, need, or have to do something. We may decide to go shopping, read a book, or watch television. We may need to correct papers or exercise. We may have to wait to make a big purchase until we can afford it. These choices are called our “do” choices.

Less often we make “be” choices. If I go out to dinner, there are several ways I can be. I can “be” curious and ask lots of questions about the menu and the restaurant. I can “be” friendly, taking the time to smile at people and engage the waitperson in conversation. I can “be” daring and try a new selection or way to have my meal prepared. These choices are examples of making a “be” choice.

As adults, we make “do” and “be” choices all the time. Perhaps you have to phone a parent to inform them of a student’s behavior. Deciding to make the call is a “do” choice. Let’s assume this is a difficult parent and a difficult situation. It would be extremely helpful for you to pause and consider how you’d like to “be” during that call. Do you want to “be” efficient, accepting, confronting, assertive, open-minded, flexible, or helpful? These are just a few of the ways you could “be” during the conversation.

Purposefully choosing a way to “be” increases the chances that you will actually be that way. How you choose to “be” will affect the outcome of the experience. You will get a different result if you choose to be assertive from the one you will get if you choose to be accepting. Choosing how to “be” is a conscious decision.

Our students can benefit from having the same opportunities to consciously choose how they will “be.” They may need just a little direction and guidance from us so they understand that the choice is a conscious one that they can control.

Using the “how to be” choice with your students.

Our students do not always have much choice in what they have to do or need to do at school. They have to take certain tests. They have to be in school a certain number of days per year. They have to receive a passing grade to advance to the next grade.

However, students can always choose how they want to “be” in response to the tasks. They can choose to be angry, resentful, or just plain mad. They can choose to be accepting, innovative, or excited.

Most people need to be taught that we can consciously choose how we want to be—that the choice is under our control—even when the situation or circumstance is not something we can control.

Say, for example, a day of standardized testing looms before everyone. You can probably anticipate how your students are feeling: nervous, worried, apathetic. There could be any range of emotions. You can help your students learn to control how they will “be” in this situation. On the morning of the test, have each student take out a piece of blank paper and print “I choose to be…” at the top. Then have them draw a vertical line and print a positive way or ways they choose to “be” in response to the situation: energetic, interested, cooperative, attentive, thoughtful, creative, patient, determined, and/or relaxed, for example. Making a “choose to be” choice redirects their thinking. Remember that choosing a way to be increases the chances of actually being that way.

Here is another example. If students are fighting on the playground, give them a choice of how they will be. By doing so you are redirecting the behavior and putting the choice of how to be in their hands.

Choices can still have consequences. A student who chooses to be angry and speak with his fists may also be choosing the consequence to visit the principal. A student who chooses to be forgiving also chooses the consequence to stay on the playground and let go of the situation.

Each of us has a choice to make in how we want to be. We have the opportunity to change our choices as much or as little as we want. Choosing how to be…what a wonderful circumstance we have under our control.

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Jones, V. F., & Jones, L. S. (2004). Comprehensive classroom management: Creating
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Source: The above tips are based on PLS's graduate course Successful Teaching for Acceptance of Responsibility® For more information see "Featured Onsite Graduate Course" to the right.

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